Worst Sex Tips Ever

We all are students of life and this new agey statement also extends to the bedroom. And who has notoriously led us astray on our way to mind-blowing, mutual and multiple orgasms? (Wo)Men's magazines! Compiling this list of the worst sex tips, it feels like a conspiracy. To make me laugh for hours on end.

Give Them a Night To Remember - and to talk to their therapist about... Ready to learn how to ruin it all?

WORST SEX TIPS... EVER!

The Magazine Edition

The Surprise Effect

Granted, this is a niche topic in the advice columns out there, but why not start with a bang! And paradoxically these tips will probably not end up in any consecutive bangs, who would've thunk.

1. "Have someone hide in the closet but don’t tell your partner." - Cosmopolitan

Just hope s/he has no guns in the bedroom, otherwise you're golden!

2. "81 percent of women do not want you to attempt anal sex without asking." - Men's Health

They've tried, failed and are here to tell the tale.

Science, Bro

A great way to reinforce the validity of your sex advice? Random scientific statistics! Make sure you quote them during sex if they don't seem too impressed.

3. "Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects." - Cosmopolitan

Let me set the scene: mid-ride. He moans, he's close. He might've uttered "I'm cumming." She pulls out a pepper grinder, it's showtime! Grinds it over his face (how is still a mystery,) he SNEEZES. Win!!! Now he has PTSD. Science, baby.

4. “After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female’s does… So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically.” - Men's Health

Why don't you just spit in my drink to turn me on, babe. Also possibly the most back-around way to say "make-out with her," ever. But statistics make a girl wet, right?

5. "Head to the local Indian restaurant or try a new recipe together - the spicier the better. Studies found that ginseng and saffron, in particular, are two spices proven to enhance bedroom performance." - SHAPE 

I dig spicy food but this reads like the pinnacle moment in the movie "Bridesmaids." Remember the scene where she had to take a shit in the street? The chances that taking this advice will end kinda like that: overwhelming.

Techniques 

Here's were these writers truly shine. Or find themselves in the office at 3 am drunk and desperate to come up with any new way to 'spice up your sex life.' Too great success...

6. "Wrap a shoelace around the middle of his shaft once, so you have two long ends. Then... pull on the strings, flossing it up and down."  - Cosmopolitan

Easy, I know how flossing works. Also, someone please video tape his reaction. In the hospital.

7. "If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it." - Men's Health

Best first (and last) date I've ever had!

8. "Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as hard as you can." - Cosmopolitan

911, we have an emergency... Mysteriously there are so many tips on how to rough-up his dick: bite it, shake it, move it around like a joystick... But a viral one sums up the insanity:
"It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care. Ladies, our units aren't that sensitive [...] grab them like you're milking a cow."
And no 'milk' ever came out. Odd.

Into The Wild

If those tips weren't creative enough for you, don't despair. I got you.

9. "Pick up a box of drugstore hair color (the kind that eventually washes out) and go to town on each other. You'll get that sexy hands-on-the-scalp feeling along with the risky excitement of not knowing quite how it's going to turn out."  - Cosmopolitan

And then we fucked. Said no one, ever.
 

10. "Hire a private violinist to follow you and your woman around on the street." - Men's Health

"We're being followed," just took on a whole new meaning. Coincidentally, this is also how horror movies (and horror dates) start.

11. "Take a tennis ball and roll it with slight pressure between his shoulders and over his butt to help him release pent-up sexual energy." - Cosmopolitan

By now it's probably clear that Cosmo's tips aren't what one would call "advisable." Even though I'm very intrigued how a tennis ball will rid him of "pent-up sexual energy." Fuck it, I'll just blow him. Au naturel.